Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Campaign for Real Fear submission

As the Campaign for Real Fear narrows down to those lucky ten winners, writers who got rejected seem to be posting their entries up on their blogs. Here's my entry...


The rumour spread through the playground like wildfire, it spread like head-lice.

There was a vampire in the graveyard!

It had sharp teeth and glowing red eyes! It would suck your blood, drinking you up as if you were just a big chocolate milkshake!

The Elmfield Road 'three and a half' gang (the half because Charlie was only five years old and didn't really count,) knew what to do. Just like the day they'd solved The Case of the Interfering Priest, they met in Lucy's treehouse after school.

"How do you fight a vampire?" Billy asked them.

"With a steak!" said Lucy.

"With garlic on it?" asked Billy.

"I wanna ice-cream!!" said Charlie.

"Cut off its head!" announced Simon, delightedly. His brother had an impressive collection of horror movies, and Simon could therefore be trusted on matters such as these.

They arranged to meet outside the graveyard at midnight, because vampires, as Simon had informed them, only came out at night, much like those ladies who lived in the house up on Park End Street.

Lucy was already there when Simon arrived. “How did you get away?” he asked.

“I climbed down the drainpipe!” She grinned proudly.

When Billy arrived, holding Charlie’s arm and trailing his father’s firewood axe in his other hand, neither Simon nor Lucy asked how he had got away. It was common knowledge that Billy and Charlie’s parents didn’t much care what they did.

“It must be feeding,” said Simon. “It’ll be back before sun up.”

"Will the vampire be ‘sexy?’" asked Lucy, as they waited. She had seen an entirely different sort of vampire movie.

Billy huffed. “Don’t be such a girl.”

Dawn crept slowly into the sky. When the vampire arrived, it wasn’t ‘sexy.’ It had nasty red eyes and its hair was matted. The children were sure they could smell its rank breath from where they hid behind the wall.

Muttering darkly, it pushed open the heavy door of the crypt and went inside.

“We’ll never open that door.” said Simon. “We’ll have to lure it out.”

The plan was this: Lucy and Charlie banged on the crypt and shouted, while Simon and Billy waited to attack.

“Damn kids!” shouted the vampire, pushing open the door.

It tripped over Charlie. The vampire cried out in surprise as it fell.

Billy, seeing the vampire attack, lunged with the axe.

“Arghgl…!” gurgled the vampire.


The Chief Constable today blamed violent videogames for the recent surge in juvenile crime, and urged parents to take more responsibility for where their children go at night. He could not confirm whether a five year-old had been present at the attack, but said that all children involved were being dealt with by the relevant authorities. He said that this incident only confirmed the need for the new government’s latest censorship laws, which will...

The newspapers sucked the story dry.


Thursday, 15 April 2010

Who's read Transmetropolitan? I have.

So those three old white guys are on TV, competing for our attention again. David Cameron really reminds me of somone...

Okay, so I know the 'smiler' character's look was based on Blair, but everyone is comparing Blair and Cameron these days. It's just something behind the eyes. You know he's not got your best interests at heart...

I wish I had the time and mad photoshop skillz to change 'CALLAHAN' to read 'CAMERON'. Also that other guy could totally be Brown...